I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
