roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
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So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
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This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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