the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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