glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
