My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
