umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Mom said you looked used
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
