I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
