Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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