I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
