He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
