Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
