Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
