I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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