Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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