Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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