Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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