Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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