I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
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You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
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Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life