So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
