paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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