I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
