1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
