I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
