you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
there is puke in my bra ... again
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
