I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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