No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You are the jesus of drinking
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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