my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
