i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
