what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
