Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
