my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
