Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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