he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
