I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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