You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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