i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
