I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
