Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
