i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
