And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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