I didn't shave. On purpose
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize