Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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