Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
