I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Ladies don't puke and tell
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
