yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
