flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
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almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
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I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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