So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
