I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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