I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
