Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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