she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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