I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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