i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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