my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
