ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
