The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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