We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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