apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
