Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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